Life is unexpected and challenging. I keep thinking that no matter what decisions I make, what road I travel or what ideas turn I turn into words…there has to be a point to all this. Maybe writing will help me find what I’m so desperately looking for.
It’s no secret to many of you that the past few years have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve struggled finding a teaching position because I haven’t been willing to move around the country to find said job. Well, what would you do if you struggled for years, put yourself through school, and finally bought your first brand new home in an area you felt was “home?” How could I leave when I just securely planted my feet? It’s not an easy decision to make. I love our home. We have put so much love and effort into it that I cannot imagine giving that up for something as selfish as my career. Yup…I said it. You might ask, “Why or how could you feel that is selfish?” They didn’t give us any indication that the field of teaching was so saturated back in the good ole’ college days. It’s like three hundred applicants versus me per position if there even is a position. Frankly, it sucks. So I still ponder what to do. I’ve debated moving back to Upper Michigan, but it is just as bad there. I really don’t want to go anywhere else. It’s a complete career conundrum.
From previous blogs posted many of you know how I started struggling with anxiety. I am still trying to figure all that out. I’m considered “stable” for now. Not really liking the medication they gave me since it is NOT an answer or a cure. Plus it has made me quite irritable. You wouldn’t think an antidepressant (which, by the way, is not my choice but it keeps my premature heartbeats at bay) would make you want to rip someone’s face off for hurting your feelings. Well for me it does just that. Right now, money appears to be my biggest stressor. For about two weeks after my husband was laid off I had to deal with those pesky bastards. As soon as the unemployment kicked in and we could pay bills again they disappeared. I feel pretty good now. I feel strong enough to tackle it from the inside. Self examination is not always fun but it beats burying issues like I normally do. I must find happiness in myself. This leads to the next issue…
Back in October we found out we were pregnant. Scared the living daylights out of me but I was so excited. Yet I knew something was wrong. All the medication and instability due to the anxiety made me fear the worst. The worst happened two days after we found out. For the life of me I can’t figure out WHY we had to go through the loss of a child right then. Of all times why? I’m not asking for opinions. I don’t want to hear about God’s plans for me or sometimes it just happens. I really don’t care what people think. If I did I wouldn’t have told anyone. My blog, my thoughts so stop reading if you don’t want to hear this. The point is I have had some bad experiences this year. It’s time to turn those into good experiences for once.
Life is unexpected and challenging…Really? Honestly I assumed I could go through life and get everything handed to me on a silver platter! That was a joke kids. If that was the case no books would ever be written! So I started writing again. I had to. I’ve been through too much to NOT write, especially the last few months. Granted this medication makes me an irritable bitch at times but my mind is still functioning and I am still human. I still have emotion, I’m still vulnerable, I’m still full of ideas and I’m still…me. Sometimes you just have “to get it out.” Obviously that’s the point of this blog entry.
No comments:
Post a Comment