One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I’ve heard this saying off and on throughout my life. I never gave it a second thought until this week. It seems that if I take a step forward with on this path to be free of anxiety, somewhere along the route I take at least a step back. Sometimes I take two steps. One thing I realized tonight is that no matter what happens it is a learning experience. I’m learning about anxiety and how it affects people. I’m learning how it affects me. I’m learning about my heart, my brain and my body. I’m learning that just because a situation might be stressful, there is no reason why I should let it get to me.

Tonight, for example, I had this troublesome table. For one reason or another their credit/debit card would not go through due to insufficient funds. This man totally flipped out. Thank goodness not on me. But he just kept going on and on about it. He stressed me out. After a bit I came to the conclusion that I just didn’t care. It wasn’t my problem. It was my manager’s issue. I don’t want to hear why the card didn’t work. I don’t care. Just pay your bill! The $64.00 dollar tab was eventually paid, and of course they didn’t tip me. That made me upset too. Again, I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. Whatever. Like my husband says: why get stressed about something you can’t control? Exactly. Now…tell my body that. Within fifteen minutes I felt a few premature beats in my heart. That THUMP I used to feel. All because I let this get to me, even though I kept telling myself it was no reason to get stressed out. I have felt a few more over the last few hours. I don’t feel stressed at all right now. Hmmm…one step forward, one step back.

I guess that is just how life goes. The past month and a half of my life has had some incredibly dark moments in it. Those pesky inner thoughts: am I going to die? Yes, eventually I will one day. Now is not my time. Am I going to have a heart attack? No. Can I die from anxiety? No. Am I driving my friends and family insane with my constant need to talk about this? Probably! My life has also seen some very bright spots. I’ve learned to appreciate life more so than ever before. I’ve learned I can live without alcohol. I’ve grown to appreciate my husband even more since he has put up with me! I’ve watched my mom recover from a major hip surgery and feel great just a month after she had it. I’ve learned to appreciate nature again on my relaxing walks. I really need to start that up again. I stopped back on the 20th of this month because (in my opinion) the blood pressure medicine made my heart flutter. But since I’m off of that I should be ok. I’ve lost a grand total of 22 pounds since the middle of August. I’m almost in a size smaller than I was. That feels great. I feel good about myself. I feel I can overcome this anxiety. I just hope my body agrees!

I’ve decided to look into some more natural aids to help me get through it. I don’t like pills and I’m really not liking this Zoloft. I can’t tell if it is working, if it is not. They say give it 4-6 weeks but I don’t know if I want too. I’m also looking into mediation. That’s the next step. I’ve perfected deep breathing. It actually helps if you do it correctly. Just by writing this blog entry I am helping myself. I feel good about that. Damn good. So on a final note please, please remember that stress is not worth it. I know we can’t float through life like it doesn’t exist, but at least now some of you can see what it can do to you. I was on a dangerous path. Try to stay off of that road. Just because we take a step or two back does not mean we can’t move forward.